A while ago I was talking with my friend Rick. Somehow the conversation got around to jobs and taking a risk. I told Rick that I was always afraid of failure, afraid of being "found out" of being a fraud. Let me explain.
I am a high school drop out. I quit high school twice, both times in the tenth grade. I eventually got my GED and got it early thanks to my mother (don't know how she did it but I was allowed to take the exams in August or September of 1967; I should have graduated that June).
For the first ten years or so after it never really bothered me. While still in Connecticut I had a decent job where they seemed to appreciate my abilities. And then in 1969 I moved to Canada.
I took some university (in Canada you go to university where you might attend a college just like England) courses but I probably only have a couple of credits. I took a few jobs in gas stations but that didn't bother me; I guess I didn't have much ambition.
Around 1973 I then entered the auto mechanic apprenticeship program in Ontario. I'd been floundering around for a couple of years, jumping for job to job, not really satisfied with where I was going (nowhere). I finished my apprenticeship and took the exam to become a Certified Automotive Technician in the summer of 1977. It's the first and only certificate course I ever finished. I was quite happy to be a mechanic. I maybe wasn't the greatest but I could hold my own.
Fate intervened and the place I worked went under. Around 1979 I was looking for a job again. I'd worked in a couple of places since my first real job as a mechanic but I wasn't very happy turning wrenches after all. My then mother-in-law had a friend who knew of a job opening at the Canadian Automobile Association-Toronto (CAA-Toronto). I applied and got the job in their "Inspection Center." It was a decent job, regular hours and I learned some new skills.
Then an opening came up at the CAA-Toronto as a Technical Advisor in their F.A.C.T.S. (Free Automotive Technical Services) Division. It was a big step up and for the first time in a long time I had my doubts about my worth and abilities. But I got the job.
From that point on I was always unsure if I really was qualified for the next step. But I kept going, kept trying. Yes there were a few missteps along the way; a few blows to my confidence. But for some reason I didn't hesitate to apply for jobs I felt I really wasn't qualified for.
I applied for a job as a Fleet Maintenance coordinator for Petersen, Howell and Heather, a large fleet leasing company (I really can't remember the exact job title, basically I had to authorize repairs for vehicles that were leased from the company). I figured I could do the job but I was nervous and figured that my lack of a high school diploma would sink me. It didn't.
The I took a short detour to California for a writing job that ended badly. It was a big blow to my confidence when I got fired and it took me a few months back in Toronto to recover.
Then I got a job with American Motors (Canada) Inc. in customer relations. It was really the start of my corporate life. I was scared stiff - it really was a big step up for a high school drop out. When AMC got bought up by Chrysler I feared for the worse but they kept me on. It really felt like the big time.
But the drive (about 35 miles each way) was killing me and I started to look for a job closer to home. I applied for just about everything I could find advertised anywhere. Honda Canada Inc. advertised for someone to work in the Service Engineering Department at their HQ in Scarborough, about 10 miles from our house. I applied figuring I had absolutely no chance. I was not an engineer and I'd really only had a couple of years experience as a Certified mechanic.
I went for the interview and did fairly well. Then they gave me a hands on test. I was handed a box of transmission parts, a micrometer and a list of things to measure. I'd only ever used a micrometer in school during my apprenticeship and I figured I was doomed. I studied the micrometer trying to envision what the measurements meant. I scribbled down some measurements and thought I had surely failed.
Then about a week later I got a call to come back. I was told I was hired, what my salary would be, work hours, when to start, etc. Did I really do that well? Was it a fluke? I was elated but scared. What if I really couldn't cut it? Part of me, a big part, wanted to just cut and run but I didn't. I stayed and I think I was an asset to the department.
That's been the story of my life for a long time now - scared to take a chance but more afraid not to. It was that way in my divorce. I'd been married for so long yet I knew it wasn't working. In many ways it would have been easier to just stay but I took the scarier path because I knew it was right, because I had to push on.
Yes I've failed in life. I've made some stupid decisions. I try not to have regrets but of course I do. But none of this has kept me from moving forward. Thankfully most of my decisions have turned out right, or for the best. It doesn't mean I don't continue to be scared because I am. I am always scared of failure. But to sit and do nothing I guess is the biggest failure.
No comments:
Post a Comment